Ha Huy Anh Pham
Daria Oprean
Pham:
"How are you doing? We've already video called a bit but I didn't touch on the theme of safety much, so just to give you an idea of what I refer to as "safe", I'll send you this email.
Personally, I don't often get to feel the concept of safety. Maybe because of my situation, which doesn't force me to face a lack of safety head on. So safety in my opinion is something luxurious. I consider safety a judgement-free environment. A place or people, where you can be yourself without being judged. Even around my family, there's no absolute freedom to do what I want to do, as they want what they think is best to me and impose them on me. Instead, I've only had this safety in the surroundings of strangers, those you see on the bus or those walking ahead of you on the sidewalk. You know, those people who are not related to you by blood, with whom you have absolutely no ties and obligations, or around whom you don't have to put up any pretense, just because they'll sooner or later disappear from your life forever, just as sudden as the way they appeared. And to get back on the issue of safety, it also doesn't matter if they judge you or not, because that judgement is so tiny and trivial in the grand scheme of things."
"How are you doing? We've already video called a bit but I didn't touch on the theme of safety much, so just to give you an idea of what I refer to as "safe", I'll send you this email.
Personally, I don't often get to feel the concept of safety. Maybe because of my situation, which doesn't force me to face a lack of safety head on. So safety in my opinion is something luxurious. I consider safety a judgement-free environment. A place or people, where you can be yourself without being judged. Even around my family, there's no absolute freedom to do what I want to do, as they want what they think is best to me and impose them on me. Instead, I've only had this safety in the surroundings of strangers, those you see on the bus or those walking ahead of you on the sidewalk. You know, those people who are not related to you by blood, with whom you have absolutely no ties and obligations, or around whom you don't have to put up any pretense, just because they'll sooner or later disappear from your life forever, just as sudden as the way they appeared. And to get back on the issue of safety, it also doesn't matter if they judge you or not, because that judgement is so tiny and trivial in the grand scheme of things."
"Yes, there is the recurrent judgement that often arises in my writings. I feel like it's something unique to my family and situation. My brother always teased me and judged me no matter what I did in the past, which damaged my self esteem. I'm sure it's just his personality and he doesn't really realize it so I don't blame him. So that was the major contributor to my lack of safety in my family. I'm glad I'm able to mostly get over such fear of being judged and my relationship with him returned to a neutral one, although I can't really say I'm 100% myself around my brother. I am thankful for having it happened though, because I feel like I'm a more humble and thoughtful person as a result."
Daria:
"I’ve been realizing lately, the more we spoke on out videocalls and e mails, that there seems to be a reoccurring theme of judgement in your life. Whether it is tied to your family and their need for opinions on your life, or present in your perception upon safety, it seems to affect you or to come to mind a lot. I find it very interesting that you talked about safety in relation to your family but then went on to continue that your ultimate comfort is in the safety of strangers. Where does this judgement come from? Is it your idea of “family honour”? Is it culturally implemented? Is it often accompanied by shame or other emotions? And how does that play into your own perception of yourself, or you idea for the future?
Now about safety..
Obviously, we can take safety as the basic needs, as the comfort of having a roof over your head, the stability of a “good” job and the opportunity of having opportunities. Yes, safety is a basic need, however we all have a view upon that. Just like you view safety in the comfort of strangers, I find safety in the unknown as well let’s say. I see safety also as a rabbit hole of comfort. A need fueled by fear and control that keeps us chained to our bubbles in our happy little state of delusion together with our enabling blinded acquaintances. I find safety when I’m away from that. It is a feeling of being closer to God.
I was raised religious but I never really felt the presence of God growing up. However now, already grown up, I turn to God in times of need, to find safety, in places that feel massive or that make me feel small. Something pure, like miles on miles of hills, or swimming to the middle of a lake feeling only your body and hearing only your heartbeat. Perspective.
Nature always made me feel a power of the divine, a safe heaven made especially for me, where nothing else existed. Heck, the last time I felt truly safe in that sense was a year ago in Vietnam when Google location couldn’t figure out where I was. I was off the grid, untouchable. The only two things that ever made me feel a god-like safety were nature and love. The feeling of wanting to climb inside my mother’s womb and stay there only just a little while. Or the feeling of loving someone, the feeling of giving love to them, is in itself godly. But then again, I m writing from my little bubble to your little bubble, wearing masks on streets and chanting our little monologues, while there’s people out there who don’t have roofs over their heads and a lake to swim into. That almost makes us delusional too, if you think about it."
"I’ve been realizing lately, the more we spoke on out videocalls and e mails, that there seems to be a reoccurring theme of judgement in your life. Whether it is tied to your family and their need for opinions on your life, or present in your perception upon safety, it seems to affect you or to come to mind a lot. I find it very interesting that you talked about safety in relation to your family but then went on to continue that your ultimate comfort is in the safety of strangers. Where does this judgement come from? Is it your idea of “family honour”? Is it culturally implemented? Is it often accompanied by shame or other emotions? And how does that play into your own perception of yourself, or you idea for the future?
Now about safety..
Obviously, we can take safety as the basic needs, as the comfort of having a roof over your head, the stability of a “good” job and the opportunity of having opportunities. Yes, safety is a basic need, however we all have a view upon that. Just like you view safety in the comfort of strangers, I find safety in the unknown as well let’s say. I see safety also as a rabbit hole of comfort. A need fueled by fear and control that keeps us chained to our bubbles in our happy little state of delusion together with our enabling blinded acquaintances. I find safety when I’m away from that. It is a feeling of being closer to God.
I was raised religious but I never really felt the presence of God growing up. However now, already grown up, I turn to God in times of need, to find safety, in places that feel massive or that make me feel small. Something pure, like miles on miles of hills, or swimming to the middle of a lake feeling only your body and hearing only your heartbeat. Perspective.
Nature always made me feel a power of the divine, a safe heaven made especially for me, where nothing else existed. Heck, the last time I felt truly safe in that sense was a year ago in Vietnam when Google location couldn’t figure out where I was. I was off the grid, untouchable. The only two things that ever made me feel a god-like safety were nature and love. The feeling of wanting to climb inside my mother’s womb and stay there only just a little while. Or the feeling of loving someone, the feeling of giving love to them, is in itself godly. But then again, I m writing from my little bubble to your little bubble, wearing masks on streets and chanting our little monologues, while there’s people out there who don’t have roofs over their heads and a lake to swim into. That almost makes us delusional too, if you think about it."