Trang Minh Hoang
Ana Lucía Fernández
trang:
"Freedom is a broad spectrum to talk about. Any aspect of life already involves freedom in it. Finding freedom in a circle of restriction is also a kind which is worthwhile and noticeable. I will choose to say about a free mind to limit this topic. A free mind here is when you can let go of your thoughts, especially messy or toxic thinking that would lead you to live a miserable life. All things happen probably derive from thoughts. To maintain or to strive for keeping a healthy stable mind is such a utopia in all those chaos of life. Still, I think it's one of the most essential lessons we should learn and obtain along the way. A mind going through a storm is different from a mind before the storm passed by."
"Freedom is a broad spectrum to talk about. Any aspect of life already involves freedom in it. Finding freedom in a circle of restriction is also a kind which is worthwhile and noticeable. I will choose to say about a free mind to limit this topic. A free mind here is when you can let go of your thoughts, especially messy or toxic thinking that would lead you to live a miserable life. All things happen probably derive from thoughts. To maintain or to strive for keeping a healthy stable mind is such a utopia in all those chaos of life. Still, I think it's one of the most essential lessons we should learn and obtain along the way. A mind going through a storm is different from a mind before the storm passed by."
"It's a great bravery that you are truthful about what you really feel inside and share with me. Dealing with anxiety must be a long way to go and it varies in different levels to each one. Thank you for this."
Ana Lucia:
"A lot has happened since the last time we called. I was working on a project that I did not feel any attachment to, trying to do something different to what I am used to. Looking for ways to love this work became a hobby, but actually creating images was such a burden that I could not continue with such a lie. But when we discussed heritage, something changed in me. I was so preoccupied trying to leave my comfort zone that I left myself behind in the process. That value made me reconsider what are the things that I care about and what I want to express with my art, making me stop for a second, look back into myself and re-evaluate everything that I have done until then.
Once I made such discovery, I felt into a rabbit hole. I wanted to destroy everything I had done before, start from scratch and rebuilt myself. I read and thought and watched the time passing by and alas I felt more and more deeply. My anxiety and my drive paralyzed me. "I want to be a good artist! I want to be a great artist! I want to be the greatest artist!" Yet I could not make myself get out of bed, I could not write, I could not speak. You know that feeling of knowing what you want so hard that it hurts? That feeling that if you dare to move, you will break into a million pieces? And you will not "be" anymore? It consumed me.
The reality is, I tend to overthink absolutely everything that I do, because I want it all to make sense and to be understood. This is something I have been struggling since I am a child. I remember being in the car going to train and being terrified of not being the best one or the most likable kid. I remember my teenage years having to drink to alleviate my social anxiety for a bit. I sometimes still do. Knowing what I strive for makes me vulnerable, because I might never get it, because the disappointment is too much too great. My body blocks itself and I am uncapable of continuing at times.
There might be a parallel universe where I am free of this oppression. Where I can think and act, and nothing constrains me, nothing limits my potential. Meanwhile, I am learning to live with this crippling inability to be in the present. Freedom is a place where thinking does not paralyze me, where I can just rest and act, not react. Even writing this email came with great resistance: “So self-absorbed that write about her own anxiety while there are more important issues in this world”. The audacity!"
"A lot has happened since the last time we called. I was working on a project that I did not feel any attachment to, trying to do something different to what I am used to. Looking for ways to love this work became a hobby, but actually creating images was such a burden that I could not continue with such a lie. But when we discussed heritage, something changed in me. I was so preoccupied trying to leave my comfort zone that I left myself behind in the process. That value made me reconsider what are the things that I care about and what I want to express with my art, making me stop for a second, look back into myself and re-evaluate everything that I have done until then.
Once I made such discovery, I felt into a rabbit hole. I wanted to destroy everything I had done before, start from scratch and rebuilt myself. I read and thought and watched the time passing by and alas I felt more and more deeply. My anxiety and my drive paralyzed me. "I want to be a good artist! I want to be a great artist! I want to be the greatest artist!" Yet I could not make myself get out of bed, I could not write, I could not speak. You know that feeling of knowing what you want so hard that it hurts? That feeling that if you dare to move, you will break into a million pieces? And you will not "be" anymore? It consumed me.
The reality is, I tend to overthink absolutely everything that I do, because I want it all to make sense and to be understood. This is something I have been struggling since I am a child. I remember being in the car going to train and being terrified of not being the best one or the most likable kid. I remember my teenage years having to drink to alleviate my social anxiety for a bit. I sometimes still do. Knowing what I strive for makes me vulnerable, because I might never get it, because the disappointment is too much too great. My body blocks itself and I am uncapable of continuing at times.
There might be a parallel universe where I am free of this oppression. Where I can think and act, and nothing constrains me, nothing limits my potential. Meanwhile, I am learning to live with this crippling inability to be in the present. Freedom is a place where thinking does not paralyze me, where I can just rest and act, not react. Even writing this email came with great resistance: “So self-absorbed that write about her own anxiety while there are more important issues in this world”. The audacity!"
"One of the things that I find extremely liberating is to experiment with my art. I am really interested in the photograph as an object; thus, I love to experiment with the paper and chemical layer or ink. I let the process dictate what the object is going to be, taking part of the responsibility away from me. Introducing accidents and letting them take control, not knowing what is going to happen and what will be the result might be. This might be stressful for some artists, but as an overthinker that I am, it helps me turn off my brain and just enjoy the art making process. It becomes therapeutical and teaches me to let go.
As I explained to you before, the fact that I strive for so much overwhelms me to the level it makes me stop at times. This way of working is the only thing I can continue sometimes, perhaps because I take it more as a game than as serious work. For this week's value, I decided to embrace the idea of play. I turned off my brain as much as I could, took the camera and went to the woods with my boyfriend. I tried to forget everything I have learned about photography and chose to just shoot everything I found pretty and interesting, but in a more casual and less mediated way. When I arrived home, I printed the images unedited and to my surprise the printer had almost no ink. I then selected the two ones my boyfriend loved the most."
As I explained to you before, the fact that I strive for so much overwhelms me to the level it makes me stop at times. This way of working is the only thing I can continue sometimes, perhaps because I take it more as a game than as serious work. For this week's value, I decided to embrace the idea of play. I turned off my brain as much as I could, took the camera and went to the woods with my boyfriend. I tried to forget everything I have learned about photography and chose to just shoot everything I found pretty and interesting, but in a more casual and less mediated way. When I arrived home, I printed the images unedited and to my surprise the printer had almost no ink. I then selected the two ones my boyfriend loved the most."